Friday, August 28, 2009

One year ago today....

Dear Riley,

Today marks 1 year since the event that would determine the rest of your life occured.

This time last year....TODAY, last year, I was 32 weeks pregnant with you. And my placenta....YOUR placenta, the lifeline between your body and mine, began to tear away from my insides, which caused bleeding that alerted me to something being wrong. They called it a placental abruption. And it was potentially life threatening to both you AND me.

35 weeks. They told me I needed to make it to 35 weeks. 35 weeks and you would likely go home when I went home. They gave me shots in my hips that hurt so bad I literally cried out in pain, to help your little lungs mature, in case the medicines they were pumping into me didn't stop the labor, OR in case the abruption that had begun worsened and they had to rush me to the OR to deliver you at any minute. I was literally a ticking time bomb.

Everyday was ultrasounds and non stress tests and endless fetal and contraction monitoring. I had to stay in bed, except for the amount of time it took me to take a quick shower or use the bathroom. I watched TV. I browsed the internet. I read books and magazines. I laid and just looked out the window. I cried. I prayed.

I prayed that you would make it to 35 weeks.

Because if you made it to 35 weeks, you would be fine. I managed to keep you in to 37 weeks.

And one year later, you are now 4 days away from having yet another major surgery as a result of that day one year ago. The abruption robbed your little body of oxygen, and it protected your core...your heart/brain/lungs...which robbed your developing intestines of oxygen and damaged them. You were a ticking time bomb when you were born. Once food coursed through your body and hit those damaged intestines, the bacteria just fed on it and your body was literally eating itself.

I managed to keep you in past 35 weeks. You were supposed to be ok.

I am so, so sorry Riley.


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5 comments:

michelle said...

Lindsey, not one thing that has happened to Riley was your fault! I know first hand how easy it is as a mother to blame yourself when bad things happen to your babies, and this is something I still struggle with daily, but I know enough to tell you that you have always done what you believed to be the best for Riley. You didn't do anything wrong. You did exactly what the doctors told you to do, and you did what your heart told you to do. You are a wonderful mother to Riley and Travis and they are lucky to have you as their mother!
I will continue to keep you all in my prayers. And always, let us know if there is anything we can do!
Michelle, Scott, Jason, and Braden

baby c said...

I wish you didn't have to feel this way, but I'm not going to tell you not to. I know exactly, precisely, the feelings (and the agony of bedrest). I always tell Brad that I feel like I failed Carter because my body didn't grow him like it was supposed to, but he doesn't understand.

What I can tell you is that you are a wonderful mother and Riley could not have asked for better. Riley would not be thriving the way he is today without his fantastic parents. I have seen firsthand your complete dedication to your children and it's truly inspiring.

I will be a nervous wreck until I hear that Riley is ok after his surgery. I hope you he is home, healed, and happy before we get there.

Congratulations Lindsey for keeping Riley in there! You saved his life.
-Kellie

Anonymous said...

Lindsey, Words are hard to come by, but I too know that you are a super Mommy to Riley and Travis. And, I know you have totally dedicated your life to Riley. I also know what a caring heart you have and will deal with all your feelings in your own way. I supported you in all the decisions you made along with the doctors in caring for Riley and will through Riley's upcoming surgery as well. God Bless You. Love you, Pauline

Anonymous said...

Lindsey, you sweet girl. I know you are hurting right now, because of Riley's upcoming surgery, but it is because of you that he has made the fantastic strides that he has. You have ALWAYS done everything possible, along with decisions by his doctors, to see that Riley got the best treatments available. You had no control over what was happening before he was born. You fought for him before he arrived, and you continue to strive for nothing but the best for him now. Both Travis and Riley are very lucky boys to be able to call you Mommy.
All of us that love you,and your beautiful family will be praying and worrying right along with you, until we hear that precious Riley, is doing well!
Your feelings belong to you, and you have every right to deal with them however you choose. As always, listen to your heart...it has never failed you yet!!
Love and MANY Hugs!
Dale

Anonymous said...

Lindsey, I know this is a difficult time for you all. Listen to your heart and turn to God. You are a wonderful mother to both of your boys and have always fought so hard for Riley. Everyone close to you will be praying and thinking about Riley during this upcoming surgery. Prayers are always heard. Love, Debbie and Gary

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