Saturday, January 10, 2009
Soooooo sick of life like this
yeah so this setback is pretty much the straw that broke the camels back. I am SO tired of living like THIS. I am SO tired of people telling me what I can and can't do with my child. Sure you can take him for a stroller ride but ya gotta stay right here. We're going to put an IV in. No, he can only eat this much by bottle today. Why do you do this everyday? SO TIRED OF IT. His entire 3 months of life has been like visiting someone in prison. I'm tired of being ill ALL THE TIME. If you see me, and you THINK I'm not ill, then my attempt to look normal worked. because I am ill ALL THE TIME. NO I AM NOT OK. WHO asks that to someone who is living like I (we) are living???? 3+ months in the NICU. Yeah. I know. a LOT of people have that happen. But how many are with tiny little preemies who they KNEW would NEVER go home for months? and then how many are with full term babies that should have walked out of there with their mother? Micro preemies born at 24 weeks will go home in 3-4 months on average. Riley will be right there with their time line. That is UNREAL. And he's 3 months old!!! As in a NORMAL 3 month old!! Sure, he may be a bit delayed because of the time in the hospital, and they do adjust his age, but that is STILL 2.5 months old. He is a NORMAL 2.5 to 3 month old baby!! If he's awake, he likes company. Yes it is great I get to visit with him during my workday since I work at the hospital. But how hard do you think it is when he is WIDE awake and I have to just put him down and leave him?? KNOWING he is going to cry cry cry within 2 minutes of my doing so because he's alone again. The nurses are great about getting him out in his stroller to sit in the hall with them or deliver meds to other rooms, etc. but they can only do so much as they have other babies to attend to. I am so tired of having to know every number of every thing about him. 34cm belly girth, pee pee diaper weighs how much? How much ostomy output this time. Heart rate, breathing rate, temperature, inputs/outputs it NEVER ends. I am tired of seeing helicopters or hearing helicopters and gagging. I am tired of eating supper at 11:30 at night because that is when I got home and then lying in bed for two hours with a belly ache... ugh. I am tired of being asked if it is ok to go the pace of a snail when I am holding a hungry baby who WANTS to eat, and of course, where is the urgency for them?? They will go home at 5:00 with the rest of the world, and come back in the next morning and live their normal life. No matter that they are extending our misery longer and longer and longer. If he wants to eat, LET HIM EAT. I am tired of staring at a christmas tree that I didn't want in the first place because no one has the time to take it down.